Life Without Lori

It's sure been a tough month.

Every day the whole family would be with Lori whenever they could.  The kids would be there whenever we weren't working, Paul was constantly there, all who loved her tried to be in her hospital room with her to visit, pray, and say their goodbyes because it soon became evident that she might not win her battle with cancer.

She had been moved to palliative care where all the nurses were kind and caring, but did not have the mindset of seeing Lori get healed.  They had the mindset of seeing Lori die comfortably.

On Sunday, June 3rd she told us she's going home in two days.  It's one of the last things she said before she was too weak to speak again.  We thought she was wanting to go back to her house, little did we know she was speaking of a different home.

Tuesday, June 5th, Paul, Travis, Brittany, and I were at the hospital.  I walked from Lori's room to the family room for a moment, but soon heard Travis in the hallway frantically telling Jesse on the phone that he better get to the hospital right now.  I fled to Lori's room and Paul's sister Kay stopped me and explained that the nurse said Lori has but minutes left to live.  Shocked, I immediately began calling Sam to tell him to come here from work right now.

Pretty soon Lori's whole family was in the room with her, and two pastors as well.  We were all there to  basically say goodbye and wait for her to pass away.  It was so weird.

Earlier in the day, the nurse told us with sorrowful eyes that Lori had no more blood pressure and her oxygen was plummeting.  We then knew that unless God decided to preform a miracle, this wasn't going to be good.

As the hours went on, we decided to each take a turn to speak with Lori privately.  During my turn, I feel like I didn't say enough.  Can someone ever say enough to a dying loved one?  I know she was able to comprehend all that was being said, even though she was too weak to respond in any way.

Paul requested that one of the pastors begin leading us all in worship songs to the Lord.  The Holy Spirit's presence was there.  I know Lori could feel His arms around her.  I know she loved the sweet praises being lifted up to Jesus.  She knew we all were there for her and were not giving up on praying for healing.

By the time it was nearing 1:00 am, who were left in the room with Lori were Paul, Sam, Travis, Jesse, Kay, and me.  Paul was laying on the bed beside Lori holding her hand, Jesse was at her other side telling story after story of how great of a mother she has been, and the rest of us were close by her side as well.  I looked at her and knew she was in her final moments, she was so pale.  I looked down for a second and then looked up at her again, saw how white she had become, and I knew she was gone.

Some of us erupted in tears, some of us saved heavy emotion for later.  Finally leaving her in the room as we went to go home hours later was the hardest, strangest thing.

The whole funeral planning process was difficult.  The funeral itself was difficult, but also beautiful.  Lori would let us be sad for a little while, but would like us to be rejoicing for her eternal healing and happiness of being in Heaven with Jesus.

We later heard from one of Lori's nurses that she hopes we all learn of the miracles that did take place for Lori.  For cancer being right on her brain, she should have been in so much more pain that she was; but she wasn't even on much pain medication.  Her mind should have become a lot more confused; but she knew exactly what was going on.  She even outlived the "minutes to live" she was given by six more hours.  She was such a brave trooper.

Now we all have to continue on with life.  We all mourn and cry because we miss her and want her with us, we mourn over the loss of what life could have and should have been with her still here.  But we still need to go to work, we still need to be there for each other in sadness and joy, and we still need to trust God with all our hearts and never learn on our own understanding.

It's still so shocking to think that Paul and the boys doen't have their wife and mother anymore.  It's not right, it's not fair.  But we who have the blessed hope of one day being in Heaven know for sure that we will see her again and she has not more sadness or pain.  Imagining her smiling face praising Jesus eternally helps us through this.  For sure.

I wish I had many many more years with my mother-in-law.  I wish she could have seen her other sons get married or her grandchildren in the future.  I wish I could just have coffee with her tomorrow after church.  I wish Paul had his wife and the boys had their mom.  But I can't.  They don't.  And it's hard.